The Red Devil

Today starts the first day of my fight against cancer. I met with my oncologist this morning and now I'm sitting here getting chemo. (Now, those are a couple sentences I never thought I'd write.)

I am getting a type of chemo called AC. This is also nicknamed "The Red Devil." I'm not super pumped about taking any of this, but hopefully it will do its job.

It has started though. I can't even begin to describe the emotions I've experienced leading up to this day. I will do anything I have to do to get better and to be here to raise my kids and retire with David someday. It's just so very hard. David described it the other day to someone as feeling heavy. That's a perfect description for it. My heart just feels heavy. I hate all the decisions we are making, the medicines I'm taking, and I really hate thinking through all the ways that this is affecting our children.

Please pray for us. I don't know that I've ever needed prayer more. Today is one of many steps into the unknown for me. I have no idea how my body will react. I don't know how this will affect my time with my sweet kiddos. I don't know how much energy I will have to participate in life. I just don't know. I know I will find out soon.

I do know that without this treatment, I will not get well. I do know that our family has been amazing to fill the gaps for us. I do know that our church family is a group of the kindest people you will ever meet. I do know that I have the absolute best friends in the world. I do know that I married the perfect person for me. David has been amazing. I don't know what I would do without him.

I do know that I serve a loving and merciful God who will never leave me or forsake me. He has carried me through this whole process. I have felt him by my side. I have heard his still, soft voice, and I have watched him answer my prayers. I don't know why I have to go through this, but I will trust him no matter what. I will trust that his plan is better than mine. I will trust that he loves my children more than I could ever imagine. I will trust that he will bring beauty out of ashes.

As much as I love and trust God, this is still just so very hard. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for loving us in so many ways. Thank you for all your kind words.

As I sit here, I will add some more posts to the blog to give you more background. Thank you again, and please keep praying!